Last night my friend Gary said,

“There’s an energy vampire in all of us and it’s fear and worry.”

Fear and worry prevent us from doing so much, especially those things we want to do, but have never done before.  This has just played out recently in my life, maybe it has in yours too.

Gary is part of a solopreneur group I belong to called “Success Buddies.”  It’s a small group and we help each other move ahead in our businesses (and we cheer each other on, too).  A few weeks ago, I was sharing with the group that I led a successful Bully Immunity workshop but I didn’t know what my next steps should be.  They offered a number of suggestions, one of which was “send a press release about it.”  I was so enthused with that suggestion that I decided right on the spot that I wouldn’t send 1 press release, I would commit to sending . . . 5 press releases!  Just shoot me now – I didn’t even know what a press release was.

I have an Acquaintance (maybe Acquaintance is too strong of a word because I had to remind her who I was) who does some media training.  Anyway, I contacted her and she suggested I purchase one of her downloads which would provide me with what I needed to know about press releases.  I did as she said.  I wrote out my press releases, following her instructions.  I found a journalist in a major newspaper who recently wrote on bullying and I got ready to send my press release to her.

Wait, I needed to re-write part of press release because it didn’t seem good enough.  Then . . . I decided my stats weren’t very good, I needed to find new ones.  Then . . . I decided that sending press releases was the most ridiculous idea I had ever agreed to.

Then I began to think about the provincial and national nursing leaders.

What if . . .

• They read my press release and thought it was all hogwash?
• Worse, what if they decided I wasn’t worthy of any opinion and ostracized me from nursing?  They could do that you know!
• Ok, maybe not, but tell that to my ruthless Inner Critic!!

Worry . . . Fear . . . Worry . . . Fear . . . Worry, Worry, Worry . . . Fear, Fear, insane idea, I can’t do this!

But what if . . .

Something good comes of this?  How will I know if I don’t send it?

I clicked “Send” – OMG what have I done?

And that’s not the worst of it.

According to my so called Acquaintance, you MUST follow up a press release with a phone call.

Great . . . I’d rather stick toothpicks in my eyeballs – sorry for the visual, but you get the gist.

I’m not going to regale you with the details but tell you what you need to know.  I sent 4 press releases.  Made 3 follow up calls – not that any of them answered but I made the call.  But ONE journalist did respond to me by email so thankfully I didn’t need to call her.  That’s when I decided to stop at sending 4 press releases because my response rate was 25%!!

Anyway the journalist asked a few questions, we emailed each other 2 times . . . then nothing.

Until yesterday.

She asked if she could consult me on a major healthcare story she’s writing.  She wants to know some information on bullying in nursing.

We’re chatting tomorrow.

OMG

Worry . . . Fear . . . Worry . . . Fear . . . what if I can’t answer her questions?  What if I say the wrong thing and she misquotes me?  On no, what if . . . what if . . .

What if . . .

It all turns out ok?

I’ll let you know.  By the way . . . It’s the National Post.

What if . . . I have nothing to tell you?

Leadership That Matters

Barb

Have you ever noticed how kids can really accentuate a message?

The other day my 13 year old daughter, J, was telling me about 2 of her friends from our old neighbourhood.  She still sees these friends at dance, but apparently the friends are fighting and not talking to each other.

J said: “It’s so weird because each friend tells me her side of the story AND each friend thinks she’s right.”

Me:  “That’s what happens in most arguments, each person thinks their version of the story is correct and they are unwilling to hear the other person’s perspective. Just think of times, when you’re fighting with one of your brothers.  Each of you believes your side of the story is right and the other person is wrong.”

J: “But mom, it’s not the same cause I am always right!”

I’m pretty sure she missed the lesson I was trying to get her to see.

But she’s right . . . often in misunderstandings, uncivil behaviour or relationship breakdowns, we cling to our stories like a life raft and very often refuse to even consider the other person’s perspective.

We become so convinced we are right and they are . . . WRONG. You’re with me, right?

You already know this kind of mindset will never (and what I really mean  is ‘Will Never Ever’) resolve the issue or repair the relationship.

It’s important to stay curious to the other person’s story if you want to clear the misunderstanding or breakdown but in the heat of the moment, staying curious is about as easy as . . .  sawing down a mighty oak tree with a nail file (pretty good analogy, huh? It just came to me and I’m really hoping it’s not some famous person’s quote that I’m pretending is my ‘in the moment’ thought).

Douglas Stone, author of “Difficult Conversations” says “it can be awfully hard to stay curious about another person’s story when you have your own story to tell, especially if you’re thinking that only one story can really be right.”

I don’t know about you but I often think my story is the right one (maybe you think my story is the right one too – I hope so.) and I find myself having conversations in my head about how I can get the other person to see how right I really am.  You too?

So What Can You We Do?

Adopt the “And Stance.”

Huh?

Douglas Stone says we usually assume we have to either accept or reject the other person’s story and if we accept their story then we must abandon our own story.  But the answer isn’t to choose between stories, the answer is to understand both . . . that’s the And Stance.

Understanding someone else’s story doesn’t mean you give up your own story. The And Stance allows you to come to a place where both stories can make sense at the same time.  Who knew you both could make sense?

Next time you’re involved in a little battle, misunderstanding or conflict, give the And Stance a try.  I think you’ll be surprised at what opens up for you and how much better you feel.

As a side note, I use it and it actually allows me to feel some compassion for the other person.

Leadership That Matters

Barb

PS

Here’s my Bully Immunity Update:

The first Bully Immunity Workshop was a huge success.  Here’s what nurses are saying”

“Very important and useful information. I believe every nurse should take this workshop.” ~ Shelley Roth, RN, St. Paul’s Hospital

“Great workshop!! I feel more confident in dealing with bullying at work and home.” ~ Regina Svidlen, RN, St. Paul’s Hospital

I learned some very valuable methods on how to increase my personal power with Barb.  I found her engaging, powerful and effective in delivering her message on making my workplace immune to bullying.” ~ Maritza Yong, RN, St. Paul’s Hospital

For more information on The Bully Immunity Workshop click:http://www.barblanglois.com/bullying-2/

PSS

Here is my latest Bully Immunity video lesson, “Increasing Your Personal Power to Deal With Bullying.” (Lighting is a little shaky but it’s the best my daughter and I could do . . . enjoy)

Do you pay much attention to the words you use to talk about yourself or what you do?  I didn’t use to until someone mentioned it.

I was telling my coach, Sarah, about my experience seeing Melissa Etheridge in concert:

“After rockin’ out to a song, Melissa stopped and shared a short personal story about staying on Vancouver Island before she played in Vancouver.  Basically it was about how she met two locals as she was walking down a path to the beach on her friend’s property.  It was a simple little story but I connected with her more through that story than the music she was playing.”

Sarah: “What made the story so powerful?’

Me:  “She was being herself.”

Sarah: “What’s the difference between Melissa Etheridge being herself telling a personal story and you being yourself telling a personal story?

Me:  “That’s easy.  She’s Melissa Etheridge and I’m just Barb Langlois.”

I thought that was the end of the conversation but apparently not.  Here’s a piece of the follow up email she sent following this interaction.  The title of the email “Just Barb:”

I’ve reflected on the language that keeps surfacing around being yourself – seems to me that the freedom to be who you are, authentically might feel like it’s not enough, and that seeing other’s afford themselves this privilege might have a tinge of ‘permission’ that could seem foreign.

Wow!  I don’t know about you, but that’s very powerful to me.  I guess that’s why I keep paying her to talk to me!

Words are the verbal embodiment of power.

Each time we use words that diminish who we are or what we do: “I’m just Barb Langlois.  I’m just a nurse.  I just saved your life, no big deal, I do it everyday.”  . . . our personal power begins to weaken to the point it can be taken away . . . by anyone or anything.

When do you allow your words to diminish your personal power?

• When you’re speaking with a physician?
• When someone treats you in an uncivil way?
• Stating what you want?
• Agreeing so you can belong to a certain clique?

Here’s a guide to help you choose more powerful words.

Instead of:

“I’m just . . . ” say “I am . . .”

“I should . . .” say “I will . . .”

“I’ll try to . . . say “I will . . .”

“It’s nothing” say “Thank you”

‘Sorry to bother you” say “I’m calling you because . . .”

Be mindful of the words you chose.

Leadership that Matters

Barb

PS

My Bully Immunity Workshop is all set.  It is a 7.5 hour interactive workshop for direct care staff and a 2 day workshop for clinical leaders.  It is not a typical ‘anti-bullying’ workshop, role playing how to speak to a bully.  I have the assumption that you can give nurses all the communication skills in the world but they still may not (and likely won’t) have the conversation with the bully.  So in The Bully Immunity Workshop, the focus is on how to increase nurse’s personal power through these 4 C’s: Contribution, Consequences, Control, and Capacity. A fifth C is added, Conversation, if the nurses believe that information is of value to them.

For more information on The Bully Immunity Workshop click: http://www.barblanglois.com/contact/

Check out my 3rd video on dealing with Bullying in Workplace.  It’s called “Are You Being Bullied and What Can You Do About it?” (Colour is poor on all but content is great.  You can tell I’m not a videographer but I want to get the information to you).  If the video doesn’t appear (which it won’t in some browsers), google my name and the title of the video and you should get the YouTube link.

Video 1, in case you missed it: “What is Bullying?“

Video 2: “Why People Bully“

One of my workshop participants (Sherri), who is a principal, was telling me about an incident that occurred at her school:

A dad, of one of the students, came into her office.  They were talking about school when the dad (let’s call him Mr. M) all of a sudden said “You think you’re such a great principal.  My son has been bullied here for years and you’ve never done anything about it!!”  He then got up, walked up to Sherri, put his hand on her collar bone, moved his face to be 2 inches from her face (she could feel his breath) and said “How do you like to be bullied, Mrs. Principal?  Doesn’t feel very good, does it?”

I don’t know about you but when I read that, my heart rate starts racing.

While this situation may seem very aggressive, is healthcare that much different?  I don’t think it is.

What would you do if you were in a similar situation?

• Some people might rise up and meet Mr. M right there – meaning they would push him back and square off with him.
• Some people might do nothing and just hope Mr. M doesn’t increase his aggressiveness.
• Other people are just happy they’re reading this in private and don’t have to actually answer the question!

I’m sure you’ll agree with me:  bullying is invasive.  By that I mean a personal boundary has been crossed.  A lot of people who are bullied (and many of those who are not) have very loose and permeable boundaries.  For example, if I believe I am a person who sticks up for herself yet I’m afraid to hang up on the physician who is on the phone, yelling at me, I am allowing a personal boundary to be invaded.  If I say to the physician, “I will not listen to you while you yell at me” and hang up, I have then strengthened my personal boundary (and sent a meaningful message to the physician and all the staff that stood around watching!).

So I bet you’re wondering what kind of boundary Sherri had?  Read on:

In a calm, assertive voice she said, “Mr. M, you need to sit back down, now!”  He did nothing.

“Mr. M, you can leave on your own or I will call 911 and you will be banned from the school grounds for the remainder of the year.”

He was still in her face and pushing on her collar bone.  She yelled to her secretary:

“Ann, call 911 . . . NOW.”

With that Mr. M took his hand off her collar bone and walked out of the office.  He loitered around in the foyer as Sherri followed him and then he went outside.  The police came, one officer went to Mr. M and one went to Sherri.  Sherri began telling the police officer what happened when the police officer said,

“You know how some parents are about their kids . . .” My eyes widened when she said that because how many healthcare leaders respond to accusations of bullying in the same way?  Click on my video “Why People Bully” to find out the top 5 responses to bullying to learn if you are a target!.

Then Sherri told the police officer about the invasion of personal space and hand on her collar bone.

Result: Mr. M was charged with assault and banned from the school property for the remainder of the year.

Sherri has very clear boundaries and had the strength and confidence to let Mr. M know.

The writer Mary Bly describes boundaries by comparing dogs and cats:

Dogs Come When They’re Called: Cats Take a Message and Get Back to You

Dogs want to be close to people.  They will jump on your lap regardless of their size and wake from a sleep to go anywhere with you.  They want to be close to you and if you let them sleep with you, they will push against you to get as close as they can.  Their boundaries are very close and they expect other animals to also have very close boundaries.

Cats on the other hand have very distinct boundaries.  They basically choose to do what they want, when they want.  If they want to be close, they will decide when and for how long.  They are aware of humans in the room but humans do not interrupt what they are doing.  Their boundaries are more rigid and they need more space than dogs.

The great thing:  Dogs and cats know they’re boundaries.  People – not so much.

Here’s what you can do to begin re-establishing your personal boundaries.

Begin Noticing Your Physical Boundaries

Step 1

1. Today notice what physical distance feels comfortable for you as you interact with others.
2. If someone you don’t trust stands too close to you, move away from them to a distance that feels comfortable for you.  If they move closer to you, put up your hand and say “Stop, I want you to stay right there.”

Step 2

1. Today and tomorrow, notice when you are touched by someone else i.e. hand on arm, hug, shoulder to shoulder, quick touch on knee
2. Ask yourself, ‘do I want to be touched in that way, by that person?”
3. If the answer is no, ask for the touching to be stopped.

You are in control of your boundaries.  You determine what’s right for you.

Leadership That Matters

Barb

PS

My workshop “The Bully Immunity Workshop” is ready to go.  For direct care staff, it is a 7.5 hour workshop that is interactive and fun.  Some units are asking for three or four, 2 hour sessions, given over a longer period of time.  I can add that flexibility.   I want to be very clear:

• It is not a workshop, practicing what to say to a bully.
• My belief is that you can give people all the skills and tools in the world but if they are afraid of the bully, they still will not have the conversation.
• My workshop approaches bullying with that assumption.
• The workshop focuses on what you can control, how to build your personal power, and so much more.  It consists of 5 C’s to Creating Bully Immunity.

Book your workshop now: http://www.barblanglois.com/contact/

Check out my new Bullying Page http://www.barblanglois.com/bullying-2/

Check out my 2nd Video on dealing with Bullying

It’s easy to blame others for their uncivil, somewhat bullying behaviour because we’ve all seen how they act (or speak).  But every time I ask if there are any bullies present (in my workshops), they’re never there.  ‘They’ always miss the education sessions.  So, who are ‘they?’  Hmmm . . . I believe

We all contribute to hostile work environments with uncivil, disrespectful behaviour . . . at times.

How many of times have you rolled your eyes at someone’s comment, let out a heavy sigh when you see who you’re working with, stopped talking when ‘you know who’ came around the corner, participated in gossip (yes that is uncivil behaviour) or stood by silently, and witnessed someone (nurse, physician or leader) treating another person (usually a staff nurse) in a very disrespectful way?  Thought so!

Who are we to call the kettle black?

Now before you decide you can’t read any further because I’m full of hogwash, I know there are actual bullies who have the intention of harming another person in some way.  That is actual bullying and if you’re not sure what that is or how it’s different from incivility, click on my video “What is Bullying and How Does it Differ from Incivility.” (If it brings you value, please ‘like’ it and forward it to someone who can benefit – thanks). As for the rest of us (and I say ‘us’ because I’m as guilty as you are), our uncivil behaviour still leaves people feeling fearful, incompetent, anxious and disrespected as a fellow colleague.  And that’s not ok!

What can we do to change our own behaviour?

Easy.

1.  Stop talking about colleagues behind their backs. If you’ve got an issue with someone, challenge yourself to have the courage to tell the person involved or if that’s too difficult, save it for sharing with your cat.

2.  Build respectful environments by addressing people by their name. Please don’t refer to others as ‘the student,’ ‘what’s her face’ or ‘ice lady’ (or whatever descriptor you’ve affixed to their personality). People love to be addressed by their name and respond positively to it.  Notice your own response when people address you by your name.

3.  Stop the covert behaviours. Ask a friend or colleague to let you know every time they see you either:

• Roll your eyes or
• Raise your eyebrows in disbelief

My guess is most of you have no idea when you’re doing it AND no idea of the impact it has on other people.

4.  Share a funny story or comment. Everyone likes to be involved in the laugh.

5.  Read my article “Five Steps to Reduce Bullying” (for a few more strategies) which is published in January 2012 issue of Nursing 2012 Critical Care”  Here’s the link:  http://www.nursingcenter.com/pdf.asp?AID=1289202

Leadership That Matters

Barb

If you know of someone who could benefit from this article, please feel free to forward to them.  If you have received this article as a forward from someone, please log onto www.BarbLanglois.com and sign up for my newsletters.  Thank You!

If you’re like most people, your initial response is likely to jump to your own defence, telling the other person just how wrong they are.  Then you might decide you need to let others know how that person judged you, unfairly of course.

But what do you go home thinking?  Do you think of every flaw they have (and they have a lot, I know) and label them as a bad person?  Do you justify over and over how wrong that person is?  Or does some part of you agree with that person’s judgement and therefore you reprimand yourself:  ”I should have known better,” “Why do I do such stupid things?” or “I’m such an idiot.”

And that’s where the damage occurs . . .

One of the books I’m currently reading is called “The Wealthy Barber Returns” by David Chilton (highly recommend it – it’s witty and relevant) and in it he says:

“Few things in life are more valuable than our self-esteem, yet we often willingly surrender it to the opinion of others . . .”

Sad but true.

Here’s what happens:

After we’ve been involved in a conflict or been unfairly judged, we struggle with these 3 Core Identities (taken from the other book I’m reading “Difficult Conversations”):

1. “Am I Competent?”
2. “Am I a Good Person?”
3. “Am I Worthy of Love?”

It’s true, isn’t it?

We start to question our character.

And then we end up judging ourselves unfairly.  And that’s just not right!

Here are strategies you can take to help you through the judgement and conflict:

1. Remind yourself, the judgement or conflict is not who you are – don’t let their feedback define who you are.

2.  Remember times when you made a positive difference in someone’s life (big or tiny) and allow yourself to go back to that time and place – remember it, re-live it, enjoy it!

3.  Eliminate “All or Nothing” thinking – when faced with negative information about ourselves, ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking leaves us 2 undesirable choices:

• either we try to totally deny the information that is inconsistent with who we are or
• we take in the information in a way that exaggerates its importance and destroys our self esteem
• neither is helpful! And you’re not one or the other.

There may be things you need to learn from the judgement or conflict but keep it in perspective.  You are far more complex than any one person or conversation could define.

Leadership That Matters

Barb

I know for myself, I want to get those items off my “to do” list – guess I should start shopping sometime soon – but there always seems to be competing priorities: work, kids’ concerts, driving and picking up teens and emotional breakdowns by other members of the family.

So as I was sharing my stress with my coach, she said ‘look at your breathing’ – as soon as she said that I stopped breathing and shifted my eyes around to “look at my breathing.” (Sorry, bit of a digression there).  Anyway, what she was pointing out was that I was shallow breathing, only from the top of my lungs which stimulates a sympathetic response (I know you know that).  This shallow breathing was putting my body into a fight or flight response.  Helpful for running from the lions – yes, but given that I’m human the elevated sympathetic response is wrecking havoc with my body – and it is with yours’ too, cause I know you shallow breath too!

Here’s what my coach suggested I do for myself and I invite you to do for yourself:

1. Find some compassion. Imagine that.  Instead of screaming “my ‘to do’  list is overwhelming,” stop and take 3 full belly breath (longer exhalation than inhalation) and then refocus on the priority in the moment.  Amazing what a little deep breathing can do.

2.  Not everything has to be perfect – make it a priority to be present and engaged with people rather than worrying your mashed potatoes aren’t fluffy enough (You’re probably the only person who cares).

3. Focus on what’s going well rather than where the problems are.  Just that little shift is sometimes enough to nudge our energy into a more positive form.  If you can’t think of anything going well, stop and write out 10 small things you are grateful for.

Give the Gift of ‘Calm’ to Yourself.  You’re worth it!

I was like “Huh, what are you talking about?  What do you mean ‘what words do I live by?’  I live by whatever words come out of my mouth hopefully they’re relatively kind but catch me in a reactive moment and I can tell you – it’s not pretty – colourful maybe – definitely not pretty.”

Then he asked us to write down 3 words that represent how we will show up in life for the next 30 days.

30 days?  I’m thinking 30 minutes would be a big commitment but 30 days?  That’s a challenge, don’t you think?  Then he said, “Remember to also write down ‘why?’”  Why do they always do that?

I struggled for a few moments (mostly deciding if I could really commit to this). When I decided I could, here are the 3 words I chose:

• Present.  Why?  So I can experience life’s joys.  So often, I’m guilty of multi-tasking (which is the anti-thesis of not being present), glancing at my phone message or email while I’m speaking with someone, thinking about something else when someone is speaking to me (I know I didn’t do that when I spoke to you, though!), rushing around when my kids are trying to talk to me – all the little things that take me away from the present moment.  I know I’m not the only person who isn’t present cause we have a culture of people who aren’t present.  The worst part is, we think people don’t know when we’re not present with them.  The truth is everyone knows because they can feel it.

• Energy. Why?  So I can do the things I want to do – be present (there’s the word) with my family, be fit, achieve my goals, get through my “to do” lists and be healthy.  I need Energy for all of it.

• Courage. Why?  I need to have the courage to do the things that scare me because those scary things are the reason I’m on this earth (at least that’s my belief).

Every morning I’m going to get out of bed and remind myself that these 3 words – Presence, Energy and Courage are how I’m going to approach my day.

Why would I do such a thing?

Because I just attend a High Performance Academy and I learned that to be the best I can be, I have to set challenges for myself.  My first challenge is changing how I show up in life.  I started last Saturday.  It’s going good so far.

What are your words?

Now things have changed (or maybe I’ve changed).

I still think (whew!) but I also rely on something I discovered as a strong indicator of what’s right for me.  My body.

You already know that I’m hot on the topic of bullying and creating workshops to help people deal with bullying in their workplace.  But how do I know that’s the right topic for me?

5 Reasons:

1.  I’m excited reading and learning about the topic,

2.  When I talk about the programs I’m creating, people tell me I’m oozing passion,

3.  Ideas are coming to me, fast and furious

4. It feels right – call it intuition, sense of knowing, gut feeling – whatever it is, it feels right to my mind and body.

5.  It gives me Energy!

If something’s not right for you, here’s how you know:

1.  You dread doing it – having said that, even in a position you like, you may dread a small portion of it, that’s pretty normal.

2.  You have no excitement at all in what you’re doing,

3.  You get sick a lot (could be other reasons for getting sick but I’m just saying)

4.  You deplete yourself of energy just thinking about what you’re doing.

5.  It feels like you’re in the wrong place or space.,

Are you doing what’s right for you?

I hope so.

Barb

Now how do you begin?

Well, as I mentioned in my article “Bullying . . . No Further Descriptors Required”, make sure you know the impact their bullying has on you.  That’s what you’re going to tell them, but here’s what you’re going to do BEFORE you tell them:

Step 1:  Find a little stone (or something like that) and put it in your pocket or hold it in your hand.

Throughout the conversation, you are going to touch, rub, or just hold that little stone as a reminder that you have the strength and courage to have the conversation.  Each time you feel yourself getting defensive, squeeze the stone (or rub it) and say to yourself “I can do this.”

Step 2: Set your intention for the conversation.

Think about how you want the conversation to go.  Is your intent to make the other person feel bad or is your intent to make them aware that they are actually bullying you (and maybe others)?  Be  very clear on what your intention (or goal) is for the conversation.

Step 3:  Take 3 deep breaths before you meet with the bully.

Breathing is a relaxation tool we always have at our disposal (but often forget about).  Take a big inhalation and then exhale twice as long, blowing all the air out of your lungs.  It’s the exhalation that causes the relaxation.  Do that slowly 3 times.  Take your time, don’t rush through it.

Now you’re ready.