I’m sure you’ll agree with me:  bullying is invasive.  By that I mean a personal boundary has been crossed.  A lot of people who are bullied (and many of those who are not) have very loose and permeable boundaries.  For example, if I believe I am a person who sticks up for herself, yet I’m afraid to hang up on a physician who is yelling at me on the phone, I am allowing a personal boundary to be invaded.  If I say to the physician, “I will not listen to you while you yell at me” and hang up, I have then strengthened by personal boundary.  I have also sent a meaningful message to the physician and to all the staff that stood around watching!.

The writer Mary Bly describes boundaries by comparing dogs and cats:

Dogs Come When They’re Called: Cats Take a Message and Get Back to You

Dogs want to be close to people.  They will jump on your lap regardless of their size and wake from a sleep to go anywhere with you.  They want to be close to you and if you let them sleep with you, they will push against you to get as close as they can.  Their boundaries are very close and they expect other animals to also have very close boundaries.

Cats on the other hand have very distinct boundaries.  They basically choose to do what they want, when they want.  If they want to be close, they will decide when and for how long.  They are aware of humans in the room but humans do not interrupt what they are doing.  Their boundaries are more rigid and they need more space than dogs.

The great thing:  Dogs and cats know they’re boundaries.  People – not so much.

Here’s what you can do to begin re-establishing your personal boundaries.

Begin Noticing Your Physical Boundaries

Step 1

1. Today notice what physical distance feels comfortable for you as you interact with others
2. If someone you don’t trust stands too close to you, move away from them to a distance that feels comfortable for you.  If they move closer to you, put up your hand and say “Stop, I want you to stay right there.”

Step 2

1. Today and tomorrow, notice when you are touched by someone else i.e. hand on arm, hug, shoulder to shoulder, quick touch on knee
2. Ask yourself, ‘do I want to be touched in that way, by that person?”
3. If the answer is no, ask for the touching to be stopped.

You are in control of your boundaries.  You determine what’s right for you.

Leadership That Matters

Barb

PS

My workshop “The Bully Immunity Workshop” is ready to go.  For direct care staff, it is a 7.5 hour workshop that is interactive and fun.  Some units are asking for three or four, 2 hour sessions, given over a longer period of time.  I can add that flexibility.   I want to be very clear:

• It is not a workshop, practicing what to say to a bully.
• My belief is that you can give people all the skills and tools in the world but if they are afraid of the bully, they still will not have the conversation.
• My workshop approaches bullying with that assumption.
• The workshop focuses on what you can control, how to build your personal power, and so much more.  It consists of 5 C’s to Creating Bully Immunity.

Book your workshop now: http://www.barblanglois.com/contact/

Check out my new Bullying Page http://www.barblanglois.com/bullying-2/

Check out my 2nd Video on dealing with Bullying

It’s easy to blame others for their uncivil, somewhat bullying behaviour because we’ve all seen how they act (or speak).  But every time I ask if there are any bullies present (in my workshops), they’re never there.  ‘They’ always miss the education sessions.  So, who are ‘they?’  Hmmm . . . I believe

We all contribute to hostile work environments with uncivil, disrespectful behaviour . . . at times.

How many of times have you rolled your eyes at someone’s comment, let out a heavy sigh when you see who you’re working with, stopped talking when ‘you know who’ came around the corner, participated in gossip (yes that is uncivil behaviour) or stood by silently, and witnessed someone (nurse, physician or leader) treating another person (usually a staff nurse) in a very disrespectful way?  Thought so!

Who are we to call the kettle black?

Now before you decide you can’t read any further because I’m full of hogwash, I know there are actual bullies who have the intention of harming another person in some way.  That is actual bullying and if you’re not sure what that is or how it’s different from incivility, click on my video “What is Bullying and How Does it Differ from Incivility.” (If it brings you value, please ‘like’ it and forward it to someone who can benefit – thanks). As for the rest of us (and I say ‘us’ because I’m as guilty as you are), our uncivil behaviour still leaves people feeling fearful, incompetent, anxious and disrespected as a fellow colleague.  And that’s not ok!

What can we do to change our own behaviour?

Easy.

1.  Stop talking about colleagues behind their backs. If you’ve got an issue with someone, challenge yourself to have the courage to tell the person involved or if that’s too difficult, save it for sharing with your cat.

2.  Build respectful environments by addressing people by their name. Please don’t refer to others as ‘the student,’ ‘what’s her face’ or ‘ice lady’ (or whatever descriptor you’ve affixed to their personality). People love to be addressed by their name and respond positively to it.  Notice your own response when people address you by your name.

3.  Stop the covert behaviours. Ask a friend or colleague to let you know every time they see you either:

• Roll your eyes or
• Raise your eyebrows in disbelief

My guess is most of you have no idea when you’re doing it AND no idea of the impact it has on other people.

4.  Share a funny story or comment. Everyone likes to be involved in the laugh.

5.  Read my article “Five Steps to Reduce Bullying” (for a few more strategies) which is published in January 2012 issue of Nursing 2012 Critical Care”  Here’s the link:  http://www.nursingcenter.com/pdf.asp?AID=1289202

Leadership That Matters

Barb

If you know of someone who could benefit from this article, please feel free to forward to them.  If you have received this article as a forward from someone, please log onto www.BarbLanglois.com and sign up for my newsletters.  Thank You!

If you’re like most people, your initial response is likely to jump to your own defence, telling the other person just how wrong they are.  Then you might decide you need to let others know how that person judged you, unfairly of course.

But what do you go home thinking?  Do you think of every flaw they have (and they have a lot, I know) and label them as a bad person?  Do you justify over and over how wrong that person is?  Or does some part of you agree with that person’s judgement and therefore you reprimand yourself:  ”I should have known better,” “Why do I do such stupid things?” or “I’m such an idiot.”

And that’s where the damage occurs . . .

One of the books I’m currently reading is called “The Wealthy Barber Returns” by David Chilton (highly recommend it – it’s witty and relevant) and in it he says:

“Few things in life are more valuable than our self-esteem, yet we often willingly surrender it to the opinion of others . . .”

Sad but true.

Here’s what happens:

After we’ve been involved in a conflict or been unfairly judged, we struggle with these 3 Core Identities (taken from the other book I’m reading “Difficult Conversations”):

1. “Am I Competent?”
2. “Am I a Good Person?”
3. “Am I Worthy of Love?”

It’s true, isn’t it?

We start to question our character.

And then we end up judging ourselves unfairly.  And that’s just not right!

Here are strategies you can take to help you through the judgement and conflict:

1. Remind yourself, the judgement or conflict is not who you are – don’t let their feedback define who you are.

2.  Remember times when you made a positive difference in someone’s life (big or tiny) and allow yourself to go back to that time and place – remember it, re-live it, enjoy it!

3.  Eliminate “All or Nothing” thinking – when faced with negative information about ourselves, ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking leaves us 2 undesirable choices:

• either we try to totally deny the information that is inconsistent with who we are or
• we take in the information in a way that exaggerates its importance and destroys our self esteem
• neither is helpful! And you’re not one or the other.

There may be things you need to learn from the judgement or conflict but keep it in perspective.  You are far more complex than any one person or conversation could define.

Leadership That Matters

Barb

I know for myself, I want to get those items off my “to do” list – guess I should start shopping sometime soon – but there always seems to be competing priorities: work, kids’ concerts, driving and picking up teens and emotional breakdowns by other members of the family.

So as I was sharing my stress with my coach, she said ‘look at your breathing’ – as soon as she said that I stopped breathing and shifted my eyes around to “look at my breathing.” (Sorry, bit of a digression there).  Anyway, what she was pointing out was that I was shallow breathing, only from the top of my lungs which stimulates a sympathetic response (I know you know that).  This shallow breathing was putting my body into a fight or flight response.  Helpful for running from the lions – yes, but given that I’m human the elevated sympathetic response is wrecking havoc with my body – and it is with yours’ too, cause I know you shallow breath too!

Here’s what my coach suggested I do for myself and I invite you to do for yourself:

1. Find some compassion. Imagine that.  Instead of screaming “my ‘to do’  list is overwhelming,” stop and take 3 full belly breath (longer exhalation than inhalation) and then refocus on the priority in the moment.  Amazing what a little deep breathing can do.

2.  Not everything has to be perfect – make it a priority to be present and engaged with people rather than worrying your mashed potatoes aren’t fluffy enough (You’re probably the only person who cares).

3. Focus on what’s going well rather than where the problems are.  Just that little shift is sometimes enough to nudge our energy into a more positive form.  If you can’t think of anything going well, stop and write out 10 small things you are grateful for.

Give the Gift of ‘Calm’ to Yourself.  You’re worth it!

I was like “Huh, what are you talking about?  What do you mean ‘what words do I live by?’  I live by whatever words come out of my mouth hopefully they’re relatively kind but catch me in a reactive moment and I can tell you – it’s not pretty – colourful maybe – definitely not pretty.”

Then he asked us to write down 3 words that represent how we will show up in life for the next 30 days.

30 days?  I’m thinking 30 minutes would be a big commitment but 30 days?  That’s a challenge, don’t you think?  Then he said, “Remember to also write down ‘why?’”  Why do they always do that?

I struggled for a few moments (mostly deciding if I could really commit to this). When I decided I could, here are the 3 words I chose:

• Present.  Why?  So I can experience life’s joys.  So often, I’m guilty of multi-tasking (which is the anti-thesis of not being present), glancing at my phone message or email while I’m speaking with someone, thinking about something else when someone is speaking to me (I know I didn’t do that when I spoke to you, though!), rushing around when my kids are trying to talk to me – all the little things that take me away from the present moment.  I know I’m not the only person who isn’t present cause we have a culture of people who aren’t present.  The worst part is, we think people don’t know when we’re not present with them.  The truth is everyone knows because they can feel it.

• Energy. Why?  So I can do the things I want to do – be present (there’s the word) with my family, be fit, achieve my goals, get through my “to do” lists and be healthy.  I need Energy for all of it.

• Courage. Why?  I need to have the courage to do the things that scare me because those scary things are the reason I’m on this earth (at least that’s my belief).

Every morning I’m going to get out of bed and remind myself that these 3 words – Presence, Energy and Courage are how I’m going to approach my day.

Why would I do such a thing?

Because I just attend a High Performance Academy and I learned that to be the best I can be, I have to set challenges for myself.  My first challenge is changing how I show up in life.  I started last Saturday.  It’s going good so far.

What are your words?

Now things have changed (or maybe I’ve changed).

I still think (whew!) but I also rely on something I discovered as a strong indicator of what’s right for me.  My body.

You already know that I’m hot on the topic of bullying and creating workshops to help people deal with bullying in their workplace.  But how do I know that’s the right topic for me?

5 Reasons:

1.  I’m excited reading and learning about the topic,

2.  When I talk about the programs I’m creating, people tell me I’m oozing passion,

3.  Ideas are coming to me, fast and furious

4. It feels right – call it intuition, sense of knowing, gut feeling – whatever it is, it feels right to my mind and body.

5.  It gives me Energy!

If something’s not right for you, here’s how you know:

1.  You dread doing it – having said that, even in a position you like, you may dread a small portion of it, that’s pretty normal.

2.  You have no excitement at all in what you’re doing,

3.  You get sick a lot (could be other reasons for getting sick but I’m just saying)

4.  You deplete yourself of energy just thinking about what you’re doing.

5.  It feels like you’re in the wrong place or space.,

Are you doing what’s right for you?

I hope so.

Barb

Now how do you begin?

Well, as I mentioned in my article “Bullying . . . No Further Descriptors Required”, make sure you know the impact their bullying has on you.  That’s what you’re going to tell them, but here’s what you’re going to do BEFORE you tell them:

Step 1:  Find a little stone (or something like that) and put it in your pocket or hold it in your hand.

Throughout the conversation, you are going to touch, rub, or just hold that little stone as a reminder that you have the strength and courage to have the conversation.  Each time you feel yourself getting defensive, squeeze the stone (or rub it) and say to yourself “I can do this.”

Step 2: Set your intention for the conversation.

Think about how you want the conversation to go.  Is your intent to make the other person feel bad or is your intent to make them aware that they are actually bullying you (and maybe others)?  Be  very clear on what your intention (or goal) is for the conversation.

Step 3:  Take 3 deep breaths before you meet with the bully.

Breathing is a relaxation tool we always have at our disposal (but often forget about).  Take a big inhalation and then exhale twice as long, blowing all the air out of your lungs.  It’s the exhalation that causes the relaxation.  Do that slowly 3 times.  Take your time, don’t rush through it.

Now you’re ready.

Here’s what I found out.

What Definitely Doesn’t Work?

1.  Do I really need to say it?  Immediately hitting the ‘reply’ button.  As much as you want to – DON’T!

2.  Taking on the negative emotion from the email.  While it may hurt to read people’s angry emails, you don’t have to take on the emotion.  They’re just stating their perspective. You likely have a very different one.  Leave the emotion on your computer screen, if you can.

3.  Responding tit for tat.  Sometimes it feels good (there’s that ‘get even’ thought I have every once in a while) but it never works.  It deteriorates the discussion into meaningless jabs.

4.  Proving your right (ahh, that’s a hard one).  No further comment.

and finally

5.  Sharing the email with all your colleagues so they can see ‘just how evil’ the other person is.  Don’t do it.

What Works?

1.  If  you’re angry, do not and I really mean DO NOT send an email.  Write it, really tell the other person what you think, then . . . delete.   Do not enter their name in the address box because well have you ever accidently hit the ‘send’ button? . . . uh me too.

2.  If you’re angry, wait 3 days to respond.  It’s amazing what 3 days does to a perspective.

3. When you’re ready to send an emotional email, get a second opinion.  Read it to a trusted friend (meaning someone who will tell you the truth about what you’re trying to say, not your best friend who feels the same way you do!).  I read my email to my counsellor friend and when I got to the 3rd sentence she said “you’re not sending that email, delete it.”  Huh?  I thought it was decent appropriate. Guess not.

and finally

4.  If the content is related to a person’s behaviour, attitudes or conduct, and you cannot say what you want in less than 3 sentences, pick up the phone or better yet, get outta your chair and go talk to the person.  It’s amazing how effective old fashioned face-to-face communication actually is.

Life Booster #1

Show Appreciation

When you show appreciation toward others, it has a boomerang effect and you end up feeling good yourself.  It is the gift that has an immediate return.  Showing appreciation is easy, simple and takes little to no time.  Here are some specific ways to show appreciation:

Give specific praise to someone rather than general praise.  For example, rather than saying “you were awesome” say “I liked the way you had the courage to ask for what you wanted without apologizing.”  When you are specific with your praise, the person receiving the appreciation knows exactly what they did that you liked.  It is more personal to them.

• Only say what is true and authentic.  The intention must be genuine.
• When you give appreciation, have the intention of giving without expecting or wanting something in return.
• Make “thank you” a regular word you use: to your children, your spouse or partner, tellers, sales clerks, waitresses
• Send a thank you card.  I am referring to the old fashioned cards, the kind you actually sign with a pen and mail in an envelope with a stamp.  When you take the time to send a thank you card, you are demonstrating that you care by giving extra thought, time and effort.  Technology is good but often times it lacks a personal touch.
• Make eye contact with the person you are saying “thank you” too.  Eye contact is a personal touch.

Want some more tips on giving appreciation?  Check out “Giving Appreciation” by Martin Port at http://careers.hereisthecity.com/articles/tips_for_employers/393.cntns

Life Booster #2

Create a Gratitude Journal

When you’re feeling down (and even if you aren’t), think back to what you are grateful for.  There are so many things people take for granted in their lives and seldom give thanks for.  When you show gratitude for what you have in your life, no matter how small it is, you end up receiving more of those things.  Gratitude is the great multiplier.  For example, if you are grateful for the job you have, even if it’s not your dream job, you will receive better opportunities at your work.  If you are grateful for the relationships you have with your children, even if they are not perfect (and you would be a very unique person if they were), they will end up getting better.   Sometimes the gratitude will come easily to you and other times, it might take a bit of time to start flowing through you.  That’s ok.  As long as you feel grateful in your heart, you are expressing gratitude.  The gratitude might revolve around money, possessions or even little things that occurred in the day such as: a parking spot right in front of the store, the unexpected kind word from the neighbour, the heater in your vehicle or the health you experience.  Gratitude begins with two simple words . . . THANK YOU!

For more ways to cultivate gratitude read “Why Gratitude Isn’t For Wimps” by UC Davis.   http://www.futurity.org/top-stories/why-gratitude-isnt-for-wimps/

Life Booster #3

Smile

Do you find it hard to smile when you are feeling miserable?  I sure do.  I feel so righteous in my bad mood that I think it’s my right to infect others with it.  I have learned that bad moods are contagious but so are smiles.  The question becomes would you rather infect the world with bad moods or positive smiles?  Hmmm, not much of a choice there.  There’s actually research to support the positive effects of smiling when you answer the phone.  It gives positive energy to the caller and generally the call is a good experience for both parties.  How good is that from simply exercising your mouth muscles?

Here’s a challenge . . .  each time you are at a service desk i.e. sales counter, bank teller, paying at a restaurant, see if you can get the person serving you to smile.  It’s a wonderful gift, for both of you.

Read “Top 10 Reasons to Smile” by Mark Stibich PhD

http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongbeauty/tp/smiling.htm

Life Booster #4

Create a Kudos File

People have given you compliments, right?  Somewhere, somehow, they have told you what you do well, how good you look, what a nice gesture you made, something.  Rather than letting those comments slide into the abyss, I’m recommending you record them and then file them into a folder called “Kudos File.”  When you are feeling devalued, sad, judged or any of those “below the line” emotions, take a few moments to read the notes in your Kudos file.  Allow yourself to go back to the moment when you first received the compliment and feel the appreciation, happiness, satisfaction (whatever you experienced) to flow through you.  You are an incredible human being, just sometimes you need to remind yourself of that.

Life Booster #5

Ask For a Hug

Hugging is one of the best human tools in the world.  Let’s face it, hugging is like eating chocolate, it gives you an emotional boost and leaves you feeling energized (and it’s free from empty calories and feelings ofguilt!).  According to Dr. Dolores Krieger, when we hug we feel healthier and fill ourselves up with energy.  Sometimes though, people may feel so miserable it’s difficult for them to realize they need a hug.  That’s where we as a parent, friend, spouse, lover, colleague, or partner can intervene.  As my life coach, Gayle Nelson, says “Sometimes you get a hug not because you are lovable in the moment, but because you are in need of love, in the moment!”

If you need more convincing, click on “Health Benefits of Hugs” reviewed by Dr. Latisha Hewton-Backfat at http://www.steadyhealth.com/about/health_benefits_of_hugs.html

Life Booster #6

Get Some Fresh Air

There’s nothing like the good ol’ outdoors with all of its wonderful fresh air.  Apparently, outdoor air is different from the indoor air we breathe.  Indoor air loses its vitality as it is inhaled several times over throughout the day.  Outdoor  air, on the other hand, is chemically different and contains negatively charged ions.  When inhaled, negatively charged ions create many health benefits:

• Improved sense of well being
• Relaxation
• Improved lung function (that’s why it’s really good to take lots of deep breaths)
• Lower body temperature

That’s a lot of good from simply stepping out into the fresh air.

Read “What Is a Breath of Fresh Air?” by Rhiannon Buck at http://www.firstscience.com/home/articles/nature/what-s-in-a-breath-of-fresh-air_21080.html