What do you think when someone judges you?

If you’re like most people, your initial response is likely to jump to your own defence, telling the other person just how wrong they are.  Then you might decide you need to let others know how that person judged you, unfairly of course.

But what do you go home thinking?  Do you think of every flaw they have (and they have a lot, I know) and label them as a bad person?  Do you justify over and over how wrong that person is?  Or does some part of you agree with that person’s judgement and therefore you reprimand yourself:  ”I should have known better,” “Why do I do such stupid things?” or “I’m such an idiot.”

And that’s where the damage occurs . . .

One of the books I’m currently reading is called “The Wealthy Barber Returns” by David Chilton (highly recommend it – it’s witty and relevant) and in it he says:

“Few things in life are more valuable than our self-esteem, yet we often willingly surrender it to the opinion of others . . .”

Sad but true.

Here’s what happens:

After we’ve been involved in a conflict or been unfairly judged, we struggle with these 3 Core Identities (taken from the other book I’m reading “Difficult Conversations”):

1. “Am I Competent?”
2. “Am I a Good Person?”
3. “Am I Worthy of Love?”

It’s true, isn’t it?

We start to question our character.

And then we end up judging ourselves unfairly.  And that’s just not right!

Here are strategies you can take to help you through the judgement and conflict:

1. Remind yourself, the judgement or conflict is not who you are – don’t let their feedback define who you are.

2.  Remember times when you made a positive difference in someone’s life (big or tiny) and allow yourself to go back to that time and place – remember it, re-live it, enjoy it!

3.  Eliminate “All or Nothing” thinking – when faced with negative information about ourselves, ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking leaves us 2 undesirable choices:

• either we try to totally deny the information that is inconsistent with who we are or
• we take in the information in a way that exaggerates its importance and destroys our self esteem
• neither is helpful! And you’re not one or the other.

There may be things you need to learn from the judgement or conflict but keep it in perspective.  You are far more complex than any one person or conversation could define.

Leadership That Matters

Barb